Dr. Becky Kennedy

Sponsors: Mateína, Joovv & AeroPress

Healthy Relationships: Sturdiness, Boundaries & Empathy

Tool: Establishing Boundaries

Rules, Boundaries & Connection

Rewards & Punishments; Skill Building

Sponsor: AG1

Kids & Inherent Good

Family Jobs, Validation & Confidence, Giving Hope

Rewards, Pride

Tool: “I Believe You”, Confidence & Safety; Other Relationships

Trauma, Aloneness & Repair

Tool: Repair & Apologies, Rejecting Apology

Tool: Good Apologies

Sponsor: InsideTracker

Tool: Rudeness & Disrespect, Most Generous Interpretation

Walking on Eggshells, Pilot Analogy & Emotional Outbursts, Sturdy Leadership

Deeply Feeling Kids; Fears, Sensory Overload

Co-Parenting Differences & Punishment

Tool: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD); Meditation

Tool: Tolerating Frustration, Screen Time, Learning

Grace & Parenthood, Parenting Job Description; Relationship to Self

Tool: “I’m Noticing”, Asking Questions; Emotional Regulation

Adolescence & Critical Needs, Explorers vs. Nomads

Saying “I Love You”, Teenagers; Family Meetings

Self-Care, Rage & Boundaries; Sturdy Leaders; Parent Relationship & Conflict

Tool: Wayward Teens, Marijuana & Substance Use, Getting Additional Help

Mentors

Tool: Entitlement, Fear & Frustration

Tool: Experiencing Frustration; Chores & Allowance

Good Inside Platform

Zero-Cost Support, Spotify & Apple Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Sponsors, Momentous, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

- Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist specializing in parent-child relationships, author, and creator of an online learning platform.
- The podcast episode covers actionable parenting knowledge applicable to all relationships, focusing on boundaries, empathy, and safety.
- Tools for navigating disagreements, apologies, punishments, and rewards in real-world contexts are discussed.
- Sturdiness in parenting involves setting boundaries and showing empathy, maintaining individual selves in relationships.
- Children need rules, empathy, and a strong relationship with parents for effective parenting.
- Rewards and punishments may not be the best approach; intrinsic motivation and collaboration are emphasized.
- Trauma, repair, and genuine apologies are crucial in parent-child relationships for building trust and safety.
- Parents of deeply feeling kids should validate emotions while setting clear limits, as these kids may require alternative approaches due to neurodivergence or ADHD.

- Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist specializing in parent-child relationships, author of the book "Good Inside," and creator of an online learning platform with parenting skills grounded in clinical psychology.
- The podcast episode discusses actionable knowledge on good parenting that is applicable to all types of relationships, not just parent-child relationships.
- Dr. Kennedy explains setting healthy boundaries, the importance of empathy, and making children and ourselves feel safe in relationships.
- The conversation covers navigating disagreements, arguments, apologies, punishments, and rewards within real-world contexts.
- Listeners will learn clinically-backed tools to navigate parent-child relationships, relationships with their own parents, and their relationship with themselves.

- The podcast is separate from the speaker's teaching and research roles at Stanford, aiming to provide free science-related information to the public.
- The podcast is sponsored by Martina, offering loose leaf and ready-to-drink yerba mate with various health benefits and high quality.
- Another sponsor is Juve, providing medical grade red light therapy devices that have positive effects on cellular and organ health.
- The speaker personally uses Juve devices daily and recommends them for improving various aspects of health.
- AeroPress, a coffee maker, is also sponsored, known for making high-quality coffee and being easy to use and travel-friendly.

- The speaker emphasizes the power of saying "I believe you" over "I hear you" in instilling confidence and validating someone's feelings.
- Believing someone's experience, even if you don't fully understand it, can build confidence and trust.
- The speaker gives examples of how saying "I believe you" to children can help them feel validated and safe in expressing their emotions.
- The phrase "I believe you" is seen as effective not only in parent-child relationships but also in friendships, romantic relationships, and coworker relationships.
- By saying "I believe you," one acknowledges the other person's reality without necessarily agreeing, creating an open and validating space for communication.

- Trauma is defined as an event or set of circumstances that fundamentally changes the brain and nervous system, leading to maladaptive responses.
- Trauma can result from confusion over responsibility, especially when experienced at a young age.
- Events with high emotionality processed in aloneness can become traumatic.
- Lack of repair after a traumatic event can lead children to self-blame or self-doubt for feeling safe again.
- Processing traumatic events in a safe connection with support can prevent long-term negative impacts.

- Repairing the relationship with oneself as a parent is crucial before repairing with the child
- Apologizing to the child without blaming them is important for a genuine repair
- Using phrases like "I believe you" can help make the child feel real and safe
- It's essential to have real-time tools for stress modulation in dynamic family situations
- Genuine repairs involve taking responsibility for one's actions without shifting blame onto the child

- A good apology in the real world may not always be as ideal as on Instagram, but it involves acknowledging the other person's feelings without making excuses.
- It is important to have a good internal landscape for apology, which involves recognizing your own emotions and separating your actions from your identity.
- A solid apology can be as simple as saying "I'm sorry I yelled," but it can also include a commitment to work on managing emotions better in the future.
- It is beneficial to reassure the other person that it is not their fault, as they may default to assuming blame.
- Repetition and sincerity in apologizing can help convey the message that you acknowledge and regret your actions.

- InsideTracker is a personalized nutrition platform that analyzes data from blood and DNA to help individuals understand their bodies and reach health goals.
- Regular blood work is important for understanding factors impacting immediate and long-term health.
- InsideTracker provides personalized directives related to nutrition, behavioral modifications, and supplements based on blood test results.
- InsideTracker offers a 20% discount on their plans if accessed through insidetracker.com/huberman.
- The platform helps individuals bring their metabolic factors, lipids, hormones, etc., into optimal ranges.

- The speaker suggests that when dealing with retorts and rudeness from children or in any relationship, it is important to understand the underlying emotions and motivations behind the behavior.
- Good boundaries involve not expecting a change in behavior from others but focusing on setting personal boundaries.
- The speaker emphasizes the importance of not immediately reacting to negative behavior and instead taking time to understand the root cause before intervening.
- It is suggested that parents should consider the most generous interpretation of their child's behavior, recognizing that expressions like "I hate you" may stem from intense emotions and disappointment.
- Encouraging children to express their emotions in a mature way and helping them build emotional regulation skills through practice and simulations is highlighted as a key parenting strategy.

- Some parents are afraid of their kids, who may learn to control them through the threat of emotional outbursts.
- Children, especially deeply feeling kids, may have intense emotions and tantrums, leading to power struggles with parents.
- Parents are advised to set boundaries with love and firmness to prevent children from becoming tyrants.
- Parents of deeply feeling kids are encouraged to validate their emotions while setting clear limits to provide safety and structure.
- Teaching parents to confidently enforce boundaries and not be afraid of their children's intense emotions is crucial for creating a healthy parent-child dynamic.

- The speaker discusses deeply feeling kids, a term they coined to describe children who express deep emotions intensely, both positively and negatively.
- Deeply feeling kids may exhibit intense expressions of love and joy, but also struggle with feelings of vulnerability and shame.
- The speaker notes that deeply feeling kids may reject typical parenting strategies and require alternative approaches to connect with them effectively.
- The concept of deeply feeling kids may overlap with neurodivergence and ADHD, with the speaker suggesting that a significant percentage of children may fall into this category.
- The speaker believes that many successful performing artists likely fall into the deeply feeling category, as their work evokes strong emotions in others.

- The speaker discusses the challenges of co-parenting and co-caretaking, especially in situations where multiple parents or caretakers are involved due to divorce and new significant others.
- The speaker emphasizes the importance of aligning parenting strategies and addressing differences in approaches between parents or caretakers.
- The speaker advocates for focusing on helping children understand their experiences and processing emotions rather than blaming the other parent or caretaker.
- The speaker suggests open communication and seeking common ground with the other parent or caretaker to provide consistency and support for the child.
- The speaker highlights the importance of mutual respect and communication in relationships, suggesting that disagreements on parenting approaches may reflect deeper relationship issues.

- The speaker discusses the importance of allowing energetic kids to have a safe outlet for physical or emotional catharsis.
- Emphasizes the idea of being a channel, not a dam, when communicating with kids who struggle with sitting still or have attentional issues.
- Suggests that working with kids as a team rather than against them is more successful in addressing behavioral challenges.
- Questions whether new tools like meditation and breathing exercises are effective in helping kids with self-regulation, considering the impact of social media and constant connectivity.
- Supports the idea of teaching kids real tools like meditation and mantras as helpful strategies.

- Relationships are fundamental to mental health, physical health, and performance, and are considered one of the six pillars of well-being.
- Sturdiness is described as the ability to be connected to oneself and others simultaneously, essential for healthy relationships and leadership.
- Parents have two main jobs: setting boundaries, which represent values and needs, and showing empathy and validation towards their children's feelings.
- Sturdiness in parenting involves having boundaries and empathy, creating a semi-permeable relationship that allows for individual selves.
- The importance of maintaining individual selves in relationships is highlighted, emphasizing the need to avoid codependency and maintain a sense of self in interactions.

- The speaker discusses the importance of teaching children to tolerate frustration and delay gratification from a young age.
- They highlight how modern technology and instant gratification have reduced children's tolerance for frustration and parents' ability to handle tantrums.
- The speaker emphasizes the value of allowing children to experience and navigate the learning space, which involves frustration and effort.
- They stress the significance of building resilience and willpower through doing hard things and experiencing limbic friction.
- The speaker encourages parents to focus on lengthening the time children spend in the learning space rather than immediately solving their problems, in order to foster self-belief and resilience.

- Parenting is a challenging and important job that often lacks resources and support.
- It is important for parents to acknowledge their feelings and set boundaries with themselves.
- The job of parenting involves imparting boundaries, empathy, and validation to children.
- It is crucial to maintain a healthy relationship with oneself by setting boundaries and validating one's feelings.
- Acknowledging and regulating one's feelings by recognizing them as a part of oneself but not letting them take over is key to emotional well-being.

- The speaker discusses the importance of helping children recognize and internalize their successes and lessons learned from challenging situations.
- They emphasize the value of reinforcing wins and praising children in a way that focuses on noticing their efforts rather than controlling them.
- The speaker suggests that asking open-ended questions and using phrases like "I wonder" can help lower defensiveness and promote connection with children.
- There is a discussion on the importance of teaching children to explore a wide range of emotions and understand the nuances of emotions beyond just feeling good or bad.
- The speaker highlights the concept of resilience as the ability to tolerate a wide range of emotions and suggests that showing up for children with belief and boundaries can help them navigate their emotions effectively.

- Puberty is a significant and rapid period of change in adolescence, impacting brain circuits and self-perception.
- American parenting approaches may contribute to the perceived rebellion of teenagers during adolescence.
- Parents should be prepared for a sense of loss as their teens separate and form their own identities.
- Teens need to overcorrect in distancing themselves from parents to establish their own identities.
- Despite appearing independent, teens still need parental support and connection, similar to the dynamics of adult relationships.

- The importance of expressing love to children under any circumstances is highlighted.
- Parents are encouraged to remember the good qualities of their children even during challenging times.
- Acknowledging that teenagers are in pain and exploring a new world is crucial for parents to understand and connect with them.
- Family meetings can be beneficial for resolving ongoing conflicts and fostering a sense of teamwork between parents and children.
- Encouraging open communication and collaboration with teenagers can lead to positive outcomes and stronger relationships.

- The transcript discusses the idea of parents prioritizing their own needs and relationship over their children's needs, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and not letting the children take over the parent's life.
- It touches on the concept of parents being sturdy leaders for their children, highlighting the importance of having at least one sturdy leader in a child's life for protection.
- The transcript also mentions the impact of parental behavior on children's understanding of adult relationships, noting that children notice and absorb behaviors such as affection and communication styles.
- It emphasizes the significance of addressing conflicts and negative behaviors in front of children, suggesting that open communication and acknowledgment of such situations can help build confidence in children.
- Overall, the transcript stresses the importance of balancing parental needs with caregiving responsibilities, setting boundaries, and openly addressing conflicts and behaviors in front of children.

- The transcript discusses the challenges parents face in identifying and addressing concerning behaviors in teenagers, such as withdrawal, outbursts, substance use, and self-medication.
- It emphasizes the importance of assessing the impact on the teen's overall functioning, changes in behavior, and conflicts within the family as indicators that additional support may be needed.
- Seeking help is portrayed as a positive step that demonstrates care and concern for the well-being of the family.
- The importance of setting boundaries and maintaining parental authority while showing love and support is highlighted.
- The transcript underscores the need for parents to take proactive steps in guiding and supporting their teenagers through difficult situations, even when met with resistance.

- The speaker credits non-parent mentors and examples in the world for helping them survive and learn valuable life lessons.
- They mention internalizing healthy aspects from mentors that their parents may not provide.
- The speaker expresses a desire not to be everything to their children and acknowledges the importance of other positive influences in their children's lives.
- They discuss the impact of early attachments on later relationships and the importance of validating and embracing other sources of healthy upbringing.
- The speaker reflects on societal expectations for women to be everything to someone and the relief in realizing they don't have to fulfill that role.

- Entitlement is a complex issue that can manifest in children, teens, and adults in various relationships.
- Healthy entitlement involves recognizing one's desires and being able to work towards fulfilling them.
- The fear of frustration is proposed as a key component of entitlement, leading to an intolerance of feeling frustrated.
- The transcript discusses how excessive indulgence can lead to a never-ending desire for more, impacting neurology and relationships.
- Parents struggle with balancing providing for their children while avoiding raising entitled individuals, emphasizing the importance of instilling gratitude and managing frustration.

- Small practices like expressing gratitude or saying grace before meals can help instill values of appreciation and agency in life.
- Teaching children to tolerate doing things they don't want to do through experiences rather than just telling them.
- Encouraging children to follow rules and understand that not everything is about entitlement.
- Emphasizing the importance of mundane tasks like household chores to teach responsibility and the reality of life.
- The approach to household chores and allowance should align with the parent's goals and values, whether they are tied together or separate.

- Boundaries are actions that we do and require the other person to do nothing.
- Boundaries are important in relationships to establish roles and leadership.
- Setting boundaries involves clearly stating consequences if the other person does not comply.
- Boundaries are different from making requests, and it is important to distinguish between the two.
- Failure to set boundaries early and firmly enough can lead to challenges in relationships, especially with children.

- The speaker reflects on their upbringing, expressing gratitude for the challenges they faced and the lessons learned from their parents' actions.
- They emphasize the importance of effective parenting and the impact it has on the world, highlighting the need for resources and support for parents.
- The speaker discusses their initiative, the Good Inside membership, aimed at providing resources and support for parents to improve their relationships with their children.
- The focus is on creating actionable strategies for parents to align their parenting with their values and raise confident children.
- The speaker is commended for their work in providing valuable insights and actionable advice for parents and children, with a focus on clarity and generosity in communication.

- Dr. Becky Kennedy was discussed in today's episode about parent-child and other relationships, with links provided to her book and online parenting platform.
- Viewers were encouraged to subscribe to the podcast's YouTube channel, Spotify, and Apple, and leave up to a five-star review on those platforms.
- The podcast's sponsors were mentioned as a way to support the podcast.
- Supplements were discussed in previous episodes of the Huberman Lab Podcast, with benefits for sleep, hormone function, and focus.
- Viewers were invited to follow the host on social media platforms and subscribe to the monthly Neural Network Newsletter for free protocols on various topics.

- The speaker questions whether children truly crave rules and boundaries or if it is a projection from adults.
- Setting boundaries with children involves a balance of empathy and enforcing rules.
- Empathizing with a child's feelings while also setting boundaries helps them learn emotion regulation.
- Children need both rules and a strong relationship with their parents for effective parenting.
- Boundaries provide children with a sense of safety and security, showing that they are protected and cared for.

- The speaker questions the effectiveness of rewards and punishments in parenting, suggesting that they may not be the best approach for raising children.
- They emphasize the importance of understanding children's inherent goodness and the need to address the root causes of behavior rather than just focusing on behavior itself.
- The speaker advocates for a more empathetic and collaborative approach to parenting, encouraging parents to work with their children to find solutions rather than relying on rewards or punishments.
- They highlight the idea that children want to feel purposeful and valued, and that intrinsic motivation is more effective than extrinsic rewards.
- The speaker shares examples of how they have applied this approach in their own parenting, focusing on building skills and fostering a sense of teamwork within the family.

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- The speaker has been taking AG1 since 2012 to meet vitamin and mineral quotas and ensure gut health.
- AG1 contains specific micronutrients that are hard to get from whole foods in sufficient quantities.
- AG1 is recommended as a supplement that supports mental health, physical health, and performance.
- To try AG1, visit drinkag1.com/Huberman for a year's supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free travel packs of AG1.

- Kids seek purpose and validation to feel real and impactful in the world.
- Expressing emotions and creative insights is crucial for externalizing internal experiences.
- The speaker believes children are inherently good, but questions if others view them differently.
- The concept of control versus trust in parenting is discussed, highlighting the importance of fostering goodness in children.
- The speaker suggests that negative perceptions and lack of trust in children's inherent goodness may contribute to mental health issues in future generations.

- The transcript discusses the concept of impingement in parenting, which involves balancing children's desires with necessary boundaries.
- It emphasizes the importance of validating children's feelings while also guiding them towards making decisions that may not align with their immediate preferences.
- The speaker suggests that parents should set boundaries and make key family decisions, while also acknowledging and respecting their children's experiences and emotions.
- The transcript highlights the idea that confidence in children comes from being believed and trusted in their feelings and experiences.
- It concludes by emphasizing the importance of holding hope for children's ability to cope with challenges and encouraging them to push through discomfort for personal growth.

- The conversation discusses the importance of not dictating children's behavior but also not dismissing their emotions.
- Confidence is defined as self-trust, and giving hope involves providing incentives that are beneficial and can be applied to other situations.
- The idea of rewarding children with experiences that make them feel capable and accomplished is highlighted.
- The speaker mentions using positive reinforcement rather than material rewards to motivate children into adulthood.
- The importance of instilling a sense of pride and accomplishment in children, rather than relying on external rewards, is emphasized.

Dr. Becky Kennedy: Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds